Friday, March 24, 2006

121

We need to have someone around, at least to feign concern, when we're ready to slide out of this world. There are a lot of things that I can't imagine, a lot of people, doing, I have lots of examples of this. And here, I thought that my days in the mental hospital, were behind me. Keep "people person's," at bay. The last thing on my mind, right now, is what the cover of this is going to look like. I fell out of the crib once. Maybe the quality is false. The letter made me cry a little, just the thought that she sent it. This is just like philosophy (essentially, useless). There is something, both medically, and mentally, wrong with me. The subject was going to be all subjects. Get us out of it, this, somebody help us. Don’t start, or you won’t be able to stop. My motivation, energy, ambition, and drive, is gone, I just sit here, staring off into space, like someone who works at home, putting piecework together, for ten cents a unit. These songs on the radio, make it appear as if there are a lot more exciting things to do, than there actually are. Leave the bitch, or bastard, get out while you still can (alive). With two hands, I try to just hold myself up, with imaginary parallel bars. We have to keep things very simple, sacrifices have to be made. When I used to get drunk, I was able to evade, and avoid, some of this pain, at least, for a while. Nobody owes me shit, but I could produce great things, if only given a chance. Sure, I want many things, but I also know that I can't have them. We used to go around in the revolving door, more times than were necessary, we don't use them anymore. I feel like a stranded motorist, stuck in the left lane of a busy highway, at rush hour. It's too easy for me to fool myself, and be duped completely, in the process. Go get a hose and a bucket, fill, and refill it, randomly, please. There are no ranks, cross the picket line, take the job, you have no choice. Take care of your pets, they're better than humans. No grocery store today (do not go there). I don't know if it was a riot we caused, but it was quite definitely, a something. I'm not one of them (to be eyed suspiciously). End the crying, tears, desperation, it doesn't work as an action tool. There is no time to waste, whatsoever (you've done that). Don't double your costs, don't have a girl/boyfriend. I am so, so tired all the time, this hasn't always been the case, it happened to me. Make me into a millionaire, and I promise you a spectacular show, that you'll never forget. Explore the bank, take a good look around. I'm at that brilliant, and wonderful phase, where I'm trying very hard, to get fired. Delusions of grandeur, sure, of course, I don't believe them, though. Apply (the treasury of your enigma) for a job? Death number two, was back in 1992 (trying to prove some point, or the other). You don't scare me (I'm only playing along). I should become a runner, or something. My head is sick of my body, and my body, is sick of my head. Swat flies. To say that we lose our abilities, is obvious, try to make love, just try, you'll see what happens (feeling ridiculous). My car has been bugged, now I've got to watch what I say to myself, or my imaginary girlfriend, in the passenger seat. Prove it, or shut your hole/mouth. Presume that you will die, later on today, like that way, try this... Ruin another pair of pants, by pouring bleach on the floor. All of the rainchecks have been put back on the shelves, it's over. The stars in the sky, aren't really moving. There are things that perfectly normal people, can have, that I can't, ever! Take control of your life, whatever it takes. We're the type of people who sit too still, having tried things the other way, or ways. Soon, I will be that guy who refuses to pay his social security tax (for good fucking reason, it's a total rip-off, we will never see that money again). I will be jailed. It's a lie, there are so... we live too many lies, don't consciously allow this! Quit, but keep in mind what keeps happening, when you do. The strip joint was not sexy at all, it was the antithesis of sex. Cancer will get rid of all of your hot dog, foolishness. If you can swing it, be schizophrenic. My deformed and demented caricature, looks more like me, than I do (I hoped). There was intelligence, it stopped. Let’s begin the tango, aloofly. Don't call me drunk, yeah, I was there, I did that shit (but that was a long time ago). It was an athletic kind of fucking, in our dreams. Slit the angle, in half. We refuse to live our lives the way we're supposed to (thus, we suffer). At a standstill, I started spinning, jumping around, nothing was solved. I got into another fist fight last night. There is no way I would ever let my "letters," be published, not that anyone would want to see them, anyhow. I keep forgetting my lines, or rather, I don't forget, per se, I'm just afraid to say them. It's overused, but it really is exactly as if I were a leper... and things are starting to fall off. Wipe the pathetic onto your shirt. For now, we live under iron wings. I told her I loved her, but I never really did. The rush of the orgasm subsides. Convinced of … what was that again? Nothing will ever come of all this. We change way too slowly, it would seem. We’re bound by our own minds. She smiled, waved, and said, hello? The collages were so intricate, the monotony; paralyzing, and stifling. In what used to be a laundry mat, a thriving, little, bistro! Should I check myself in, for a while? Well, I’ve had some trouble breathing. Get divorced, quit your job, stop caring, give up. You don't have to worry about turning down the wedding proposal, it'll never happen. These words are extraneous, like the little fragments of nothing, you brush off the couch. Reorganize your brain chemistry, naturally. It was on this date, that the whales jumped up onto the sandy beach. We tolerate being lied to, cheated on, ripped off. This is the flip, flopping over. I need to split it all up, and move things around.