093

In a perfect world, we'd still bitch constantly. My friends look at me like I’ve wasted five years of my life for nothing, to be honest with you, I’m inclined to agree with them. More horrible things than this, could happen. As much as I don't want to, I think that now is the time to cut down, in more than one area of my life, including writing. Know the torment, of your ruin. Another slaughter, at a clam bake. See, the lies that I tell myself, and my own propensity to believe them, is what has made me ill. My scent was so horribly bad, that... never again! Now, this little distillation thing had better work. I don't want to clean anybody else's apartment, see movies I've already seen, walk around malls in Afghanistan. The same route, through the same neighborhoods, past the same houses, no variety, no deviation from the norm. You'd better have the resolve to stick to your latest "goals," sourpuss! Two, I can't believe I've actually cut it down, to two! Even now, there is doubt and weakness, hesitation and stupidity. I'm a lot sicker than I thought I was, I need to be put in a hospital, since I have no insurance, I have vowed to cure myself. I not only want to smash things, I want to somehow smash them on paper, by writing the smashing, to give you all an idea of what I mean. Unfortunately, it is time to say forget it, there are more important things to do right now. This had better become a new kind of marmalade, and not the same old jelly. I am mentally retarded, what boundaries? Take your electronica, or whatever the hell it's called this weekend, and shove it. Well, things have gotten very bad, I still can't believe how hard that was, and how little I have to show for it. It becomes so easy, suddenly, because right at the breakthrough point, we run away. I need a job that pays me money. I will be very very surprised if I’m alive, a year from now. I don't want a T-shirt, I don't care if you say my name on the air, or not. I saw a sight today, that I promised myself, I'd never see again. There are too many things to take us away from what we have to do. Eight people out of a hundred, I am now a dead man. Please check the number and dial again, I'm a hell of a lot more than soft, right now. There isn't anything that isn't, fucked up, beyond the point of no return. The bones in my jaw, just went away. I really don't care about what I said a month ago, was all I cared about. My life has been lived underneath an umbrella, for long enough. I'm what you'd call a... mangled up piece of plastic. Right now, I am more angry than a murderer. One of the main goals, is for this to be better than some space movie. The nightmares have come true, and from here, there are two ways to go. School is an evil, horrible, awful thing. Don’t allow yourself to get too soft and creamy. Too often, we look at the license plates of cars in parking lots, thinking, anywhere but here. They want me on the truck, but I’m unwilling to go. I wish I was anyone/anything else. Don’t let yourself fall into the egghead hole. What is wrong with my brain, that disallows me from, in any coherent way, explaining what it is I'm talking about? Oh, there is pain, trust me. These are stains. Don't compile any top ten lists, it doesn't matter. Something very physiologically strange, has been happening to me in the last two years, and it has really fucked me up. Any problem that you can imagine a person having, I have had, have, or will. There is no excuse for belching, whatever we say after, we do so. What decisions that are made, aren't, impulsive? I want to be anorexic, not pedophilic, alcoholic, and obsessive/compulsive, apparently, there's some trade off. If you look away from what you've got to always watch; for even one second, you're going to find yourself in a great deal of trouble, that you don't want to find yourself in. Oh, my life. It just got putrefied, really putrefied, and it can't go on the way that it was, anymore. There used to be a line all around the side of the building, but it was just for show. More things have to be done, we can't just hide in our chubby little bodies, and wish that that wasn't where we resided, any longer. The dog whistles sound, the heads, tilt. Van was a vampire lesbian. After all of this, it still feels like there is nothing there.
We don't have anything better to do, than what we're doing. I'm trying to make sense of this. Don't go around thanking the people, groups and organizations, that rape you. Sometimes, it seems as if I want to spread my (boing, boing, boing) unhappiness, I don't know why, but, of course, I know that I can't say that. Things got much worse than, "blank and black pits of despair," for a while there. See the diseased goats, hum a little tune. When exactly, did everything go so wrong? Seven days of anarchy, seven nights of sleep; one day, you wake up and notice, that you're thirty pounds overweight, stink, look like shit, have no money, live with your parents, are unemployed, unemployable, drunk and stupid. The highway has it's own mood, I look like a moldy mop head, and smell like one, as well. The Universe is not (so little confidence) functioning properly, hence, neither are any of us. How the hell did I expect that reading more, was going to solve my problems? I'm just not as smart as I thought that I was, or could be. I've been looking for a way to get out of a great many things. It is as if every single nerve ending in my body, went pffft, not just as a big grey blob. Don't assume that you know more than they do. That's the man that (whisper, whisper, whisper). No more room. Rebuild the nucleus, don't drift ever outward, now we use pound and star, we never used to, before. It's such a long way down to where I've found myself, I've never been so close to breakdown, without actually breaking down. All these costs add up, and most of us, aren't paying attention. Yeah, it's gotten "that bad," yet again. Why do I only want what I can't have? Why do I consume so much, what has happened to me? We seem to reach goals, that we've never set. As selfish as I admit that I am, I'm less so, than most. Death just seems like a relief, from all this. It all went down the drain, it is gone, it cannot be retrieved, and who would want their old shit back (besides me), anyway? How does this happen, how do we find ourselves ten years older, with nothing to show for it? The underworld dragged me up to it, I was in a lower realm than that. All that I want to do, day in, day out, is scream and scream and scream! Soon, we will all join the dearly departed, and may, or may not, know we were going anywhere. This orb is on fake fire. Punch the card, give the change, say thank you, help the next person. My penis is smaller than average, maybe that explains why things have been done, the way they've been. Worry just isn't enough. This book was written for myself - and I don't deserve it, want it, care about it, know what the fuck to do with it, or, what most of it means. We’ve all done a few things that we will regret until the day we die. It is going to take bold action, to solve this shit. We’ve had our share, of breakdowns. Apparently, everything has to go nice and easy, for the little crown prince here, or he gets upset. Circle it, pickle it. Don’t make fun of me, quite yet. I want to tear off the lampshade, throw it against the wall, smash and flatten it, straighten it back out, and put it back atop the lamp. The consumption of poison, is not recommended. It's not just in my imagination anymore. This stratosphere isn’t like the one we were used to. I guess I didn't know? Somebody used my inflatable woman, without asking, they didn’t clean it afterwards, either. Give me psychoactive medication, put me on the short bus, spoon feed me applesauce. No, don’t cross it out! You will outlive me. We forget too much, too easily. I never had anything, and I still lost it all. We need too much time to get inspired, what the heck happened? If you dare get any worse, if you even dare, your life will be ended (I am talking to myself here, I am the only one that I ever talk to). Thank you very much, Mr. Anonymous. The challenge is to build your own inside, as well as your outside, we spent a lot of money, and found out too late. Nowhere to roll, my involvement was not required, or requested. My judo is to just sit here, I guess. Addicted to life? If only I were plastic, and not this squishy thing, that I am. Shoved and pushed to the edge, and then taunted and dared, to jump. So glad, so glad, and so sorry. The telethon of the mind, doesn't stop. There is no reason for anything. The world can blow, fuck it, I don't care. There are so many things to burn, that it probably isn't going to happen. From here, real steps are going to be taken, as if a fast forward button were being pressed. Like, wow! How was I supposed to know, that I'd swum too far from the shore? Try not to leave your own body and sodomize it, if you would. I’m anti-everything, this is what they meant, by the by. It’ll all just trickle away.
The smart people of the world, need to start saying that things really suck, a little more loudly. As it stands now, I can't afford life, it's just way too expensive. She was right about me. Here we go with the traffic that never ends, again! It's a whole new kind of hillbilly ballgame, now. My "brilliance," is long gone. Of course, those in control, are going to try to cloud and confuse you, don't let them, do whatever you have to do, to not let them get away with it. I went on a rampage, at the old Dairy Hut. There was a light in her eye, that made her think she was blind. I've been more than misled, the good books I've read, that really shake you to the core, misled me... everything there is, has misled me. There are only six ways to turn, stop revolving in place. What material do you suppose that they’ll try to make picnic tables out of, next? I could go over there and do that, but I won't. We do what we want to do, irregardless of what we should do. Things are at the point, where if a quantum leap is not made, right now, I am going to be crushing boxes and throwing them in dumpsters, for my entire life. The legislature wants to make itself look good. There is a different kind of wind blowing today. We are just changing our displays, this is not a going out of business extravaganza. Eventually, you've got to get up early in the morning, if you want to or not. She likes to pretend she's this good girl, but she'll suck your dick, you can fuck her ass, look, I'll introduce you to her. Caution, stand back, this is no marketing plan! Well, that's part of the fun, using your imagination to create situations in your head, that are never going to happen. My anger got so intense, that it fizzled away into nothing, many, many years ago. Cow Burger has a playland now. One of the identical triplets, is never mentioned by the other two. I don't know if I'm an idiot or not, either, but I surely don't need you to presume to tell me, who or what I am. When you need to piss and there is nowhere to go, things can get quite uncomfortable. This is all very unusual, this doesn't happen very often. Don't seek fire, while carrying a lit torch, buy discount, invest, don't ever get married. All the grocery stores look like movie theaters, and all of this is planned. Don't sit too close to the entrance to the store, you might see something. 66% reduction in output, does not result in higher yields. Yesterday, I found out too many things that I would have been better off, not knowing. Hey, you over there, yeah you (fuck you, fuck you!). Burial is going to take place, in the shittiest cemetery that I've ever seen. Instinct is one of many things, that is outside the realm of our influence, or control. And if this should be it, what, if anything, would you do differently? Things got a little out of hand at the outlet mall. My awkward self, dangles dangerously. These are much like merit badges. My head aches, the doll - shattered. In the front yard; cars propped up with cinder blocks, with all the tires removed. I want it back, just the way that it was. Let's just hope that the long awaited massacre, doesn't take place, for at least, a couple more years. Don’t let the dime store get the best of you. I suppose what freedom means, is just not giving a hoot about anything, anymore. Don't find out too late, know now. Write what you usually lie awake at night, thinking. All the nasty shit, seems to come down at once. There are a lot of things wrong with me, but they can be solved, at least, I hope they can! With every mirror, or reflective surface, that I pass, I look worse and worse, to the point where it's ridiculous, if not impossible, to have that happen. The human brain works in very mysterious ways indeed, such as pressing you via thought, to do something continuously, after it's too late, or impossible. We know a hell of a lot more than we let on. Be in control, in the actual, or literal, driver's seat, as it were. It doesn't matter that you think about sex above all else, many, many, if not all people, do the same thing. We, well, things got ruthless. Too many tortillas. Be very suspicious, oh, and beware, be wary. I have decided to become rich